A Letter to Abigail #1

Dear Abigail,

You probably won't remember much of your babyhood and toddlerhood by the time you are able to read this. It is such a shame that nature is such because we, as a family, had such a smashing time together. So, mummy is using this platform to fill in those gaps for you. 

Last night was the first night ever you verbalised your preference for daddy over mummy to accompany you to sleep. It's probably understandable since mummy has been too tired and immobile to play with you for long periods of time as of late owing to mummy's growing bump. But we do spend time together reading nursery rhymes, playing make believe - specifically washing Baby Bob's and BJ's bum bum after they poo-poo and even give you a swing or two to Sound of Music's "I am 16 going on 7-8" (haha). Pretty much activities that do not require mummy to move around too much. 

You are only 2 years and 1 month old now but have such wisdom. We really thank God for that. Whenever we ask you to choose between mummy and daddy, you would always lump us as one and say "I love mummy daddy". How in the world did you know that there is in fact a third choice? And to astound us further, you would just suddenly proclaim that you "love Jesus!" out of nowhere. We sure didn't teach you that (but maybe mah mah and yeh yeh did).

You know, I fear for that one day when you finally decide you prefer one over the other. And it will come. Yesterday's event already points to that. 

By the time you understand this letter, I am not sure how our relationship will turn out and whether you love me as much as I hope you do. But know this, that mummy loves you more than you can ever comprehend. You will forever be my baby, my miracle... I love you with all that I have. 

Becoming Her Own Self

Once upon a time not very long ago I worried there wasn't enough place in my heart for my second baby. 

Once upon a time not very long ago I worried I will never be able to let go of my first born's hand. 

Today however, after celebrating her 2nd birthday, I see those worries as of the past. 

She is no longer the baby who needs to be attached to her mummy's side - she is now her own person, with the ability to voice her likes and dislikes. I can see her independent spirit taking more and more form as each day passes by. 

But most importantly, I can now let go of her hand, for her to become the individual that God has called her to be. It came earlier than expected, but I believe it is the right time - just as I am expecting to hold my second baby in two months' time. 

Gosh, how amazing is His timing, right?

Tears fill my eyes as I type, knowing that my baby is not really a baby anymore. But in my eyes, I will always be ready to baby her whenever she needs me to. 

Daddy God, thank you for such a beautiful gift. She has brought so much joy to me and Mark. She is perfect in every way. 

I pray that you will bless her with good health all her life. That You will direct all her paths and make them straight. That she will be highly favoured in all that she does and with all she comes in contact with. Bless her Lord, with spiritual sensitivity and openness. That she may rise to her calling even from a young age. 

Bless her Lord with Your joy, peace and grace and may she know how to overflow them to those around her. Let her be kind, good, gentle, meek, long suffering, slow to anger, compassionate and quick to praise. Let her be a positive impact on others. 

Lord, also protect her from dangers and the schemes of the evil one. Let Your wings be a shield around her at all times. 

Thank you again, Lord for such a precious daughter. 

My #2 (Part 1)

I am now almost 24 weeks pregnant with baby #2 and she's daughter #2 for me. She is growing extremely well (Dr Chan did not say more than a one liner about my 3kg increase in weight, phew!) and is happily stretching and kicking within me vigorously. I'm slowly falling deeper in love with her. 

"Where is the boy?", one may ask since I was so confident of the prophecies I had received. Well, this is why I am here on this blog today - to journal my initial struggle and confusion due to this divide between reality and prophecy. 

Even after three times being told by my Gynae that I will be having a girl, I was still hoping the next ultrasound would show something different. Not because I wanted to have a son but because I wanted the assurance that ALL my children are in my future. 

So, if the prophecies are indeed accurate, what happens to one of my girls? 

I sought out Jenn to speak to the Lord and each time she saw Abby and a boy. She could not see anyone else. 

Okay, it is about here that I should pause and make mention that whatever I have done up to that point was wrong:

1) I sought after fortune telling more than anything else.

2) There was no active participation in my part to communicate with Go. I merely thrusted this responsibility to Jenn.

3) I went around person to person looking for an alternative interpretation (that would be acceptable to me) of the prophecies

Kathy pointed out something I knew deep down inside but wouldn't openly acknowledge - I didn't dare to approach God about this fear of mine. I didn't dare to bring it to God for fear that he would tell me my fears would come to pass. 

To be continued...

Dream: Locust Invasion

21 July 2015

I dreamt of a locust invasion that night. The dream started with me being an unfamiliar house with my grandmother. After being aware of the setting, I realised that the house was already infested with some type of brown insect. My eyes zoomed in to one that was nearest to me and saw a praying mantis. I instinctively looked out of the windows and saw that locusts had swarmed the outside. Their number was so large that they almost blackened out the light. 

I immediately ran to one of the windows and pushed it back. It was, weirdly, elastic and was bending to the sheer force of the number of locusts trying to get into the house. 

Notes:

My mind was preoccupied with 

1) the passing away of Ps Eugene's 10-week old granddaughter 

2) fear of prophecy - Mary and Jenn had both prophesied a daughter and a son in my future but I am now pregnant with my second daughter. Does this mean I would lose one of them? 

Questions:

1) is the presence of my grandmother significant? I don't sense so. 

2) what does the praying mantis symbolise? A religious people?

3) what has caused this wrath of God?

4) can such a calamity be avoided?

I have no doubt that this dream is God-inspired. When I was on the train and at work, I googled for instances of locusts in the bible and specifically remembered that they were mentioned in the book of Amos. 

Now, because of the nausea I was experiencing in my first trimester, I haven't been reading the bible. Finally being out of the woods and the first time in a long time taking the train to work, I decided to restart my bible in one year reading. Lo and behold, Amos 8 and 9 were referenced in that day's devotional. And Amos 7, which contains the word locusts, was referenced the day before! Hence I am confident the dream is given by God. 

Amos 7:1-3 "This is what the Sovereign Lord showed me: He was preparing swarms of locusts after the king’s share had been harvested and just as the late crops were coming up. When they had stripped the land clean, I cried out, “Sovereign Lord, forgive! How can Jacob survive? He is so small! So the Lord relented. “This will not happen,” the Lord said.”"

So maybe my dream can be avoided if I prayed. 

My Second Promise (Part 2)

The prophecies given to me about my second child is coming to past!

This is the 4th pregnancy test kit I used. The first three (Guardian house brand), only showed a positive line some time after the 10 minutes timeframe stipulated. 

Couldn't take it anymore so went to buy the expensive ClearBlue test kit and within half a minute the '+' sign showed up!

It still feels so surreal... For the first time in so many months, I'm finally seeing something I have been yearning for. I feel like I should pinch myself. Haha... I won't of course, but I do keep looking at the ClearBlue picture to make sure I'm not hallucinating!

Thank you Lord, for the wonderful gift of being able to be a mother of two. 

Robbed of Joy

Why do I have to work harder than everyone else to get to the same place? Why, God? Why?

I often think of this one particular girl I knew from high school whenever I sulk about life. She's effortlessly popular. I stress the word because she can pull a grumpy face, which was pretty often, and there would still be people wanting to swarm her. She was privileged, glorious, smart and came from a close-knit family - all enviable points. 

Many years back, I showed my pastor a picture of her and I could see his hesitation in telling me what he saw. Of course he was just trying to be kind to my flagging self-esteem. I forced it out of him anyway. Avoiding my eye contact, he quickly made the statement that she glows with the "joy of the Lord". 

The joy of the Lord... Oh, how I have yearned it and even forced myself to find it within me. There were a few fleeting moments when I truly believed I had it. Those moments never lasted. Nor were they ever enough; never like hers. So, conclusion? I never had it. 

Last night, tired with having dealt with yet another of my life's dissatisfaction which consequently resulted in a big argument with my husband, I asked for prayer from Pastor Lee, a 68 year old Korean lady pastor who is known to be razor-sharp in hearing God. I told her of how I struggle with no joy in my heart - nothing is ever enough; nothing is ever good enough. (This was after having helped out in a Thai  retreat held in Church of True Light, where she was invited to speak.)

I was instructed to lay flat on the ground while she laid hands on my chest and stomach. Here's a summary of what she said:

1) unseen forces suppressing peace, thereby robbing me of God's joy

2) source of spiritual curse from parents/ancestors 

3) hardened/residing in stomach and thigh areas for an extremely long time 

4) this is stopping me from weeping and interceding 

5) the cause of my fears and anxieties, manifested in stiffness in legs and heart palpitations 

6) not many people are interceding on my behalf

With all the above, I was told I carry a great burden to cut off all ancestral curses; to make sure they end at me. Strategies to overcome this:

1) only the blood of Jesus can cut the curse

2) pray together with husband 

3) continually seek out prayer and deliverance 

4) catch them whenever they appear and cast them out each time (best to manifest the purging)

5) worship

6) pray, sing and read God's word with Abby (ensuring that it ends at my generation)

Mark has committed himself to praying with me. I may not tell him enough but he is my spiritual pillar of support. He never doubts, never questions, never stops trusting God. It's an amazing heritage he's received from his parents. And I want Abby to have that. 

I end today's post with a proclamation of God's promise from Exodus 20:6:

"But showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments."

Amen. 

Dreams about KYY and Zac During CNY Week

Jotting down two dreams I had during my CNY break (14-24 Feb 2015):

Dream 1:

Zachary Adrian running over a green plain and the earth opened up to swallow him whole three times. Each time I see him running without a care about the dangers around him. There was a short instance I saw him holding on to a small figurine, perhaps the source of these threats. 

I conveyed this to Adrian and he shared that Stella also had a similar dream where Zac was running with no showing of any specific emotion. As he ran pass a church, it collapsed and buried him, leaving only an outstretched hand from the rubbles. Stella who was behind him, survived the catastrophe. 

Dream 2:

I don't quite remember the details but I know it is about Yin Yee and suicide. 

My Second Promise

Having Abby has changed my life - I no longer get 10 hour sleeps and definitely no sleep ins. Naps are a luxury and date nights are a rarity. Meals are usually hurried and gone are the days meeting up with friends and what more holidays! 

But I would not change a thing. 

Abby is the joy and pride of my life. She tires me out but boy, does she make my life so much fuller! 

Sometimes I wonder whether I can love someone else as much as I love her and God stops me midway. Love doesn't have to be shared. You can love another person wholeheartedly as well. 

I believe and hold on firmly to the prophecies by Mary Chu and Jenn that my family will comprise of two children. And this prophecy will only be fulfilled with the arrival of a baby boy. Yup, it will be a boy next! 

Mark and I have been trying since June last year but no success yet. To be honest, I have uttered a few inner vows - that I am not ready for and I may not need a second child. Victoria, through God's revelation, called me out on this in December. I have of course proceeded to  ask God for forgiveness and repented. And God has graciously reminded me of His promise through a dream received before CNY. In the dream, I was pregnant and the baby within me was actively stretching. I even saw my hand holding his hand somehow. 

To be honest, there is still some trepidation over having to repeat the sleepless nights in the early months of motherhood and even the 100% of self-immersion into the development of the baby thereafter, I will have to put my trust that God's timing will be perfect and that He will enable me to become the best mother I can be to my second baby. 

My Big Little Girl

My daughter turned 16 months last week and is getting ready to attend playgroup in two months. Visiting various playschools last Tues has made me too acutely aware that she is growing up. 

Her dad, grandmother and myself have been the centre of her world so far but in a few months' time it would be opened up to... well, the world... 

I have been plagued with a whirlwind of emotions. For one, I am so irrationally fearful that the world would dilute her love for me. Secondly, never being popular in school, I worry that she may have to go through the same lonely path as I did. But at the same time, I am excited for her to start making her mark in this world.

I can only pray that God will bless her with abundant favour, that she will be secure in His and our love and that her spirit will never be dampened by people. 

This big little girl will always be my baby...

Prophetic Dream - AirAsia 8501

I had a dream about a plane stalling mid flight and eventually plummeting. 

I was a passenger myself in the plane. One minute everything was fine with people chit-chatting away and the next, the lights went out and the plane just stopped. Dead silence ensued. 

Within the next second or two, the plane plummeted - vertically downwards. I felt my heart trying to leap out of my throat; panic in my head knowing impending death was about to follow. 

But before I knew it, the plane came into contact with water. I knew because I felt the hard albeit cushioned landing and heard water splashing. I remember feeling relieved that my life was spared and that one could survive such a crash before waking up. 

I had this dream either on the 20th or 21st of Dec 2014. It was either dates because I had that dream while visiting my in-laws in KL for Christmas. 

I didn't tell anyone although the feeling of real fear and relief lingered; I just didn't think it was significant. But on 28th Dec, Mark announced that an AirAsia flight 8501 flying from Surabaya to Singapore had gone missing. I had thought it was a bad joke but unfortunately it wasn't. I didn't immediately link it with the dream I had either. 

162 passengers and crew members went missing, with the plane found only on 2nd Jan 2015. Over a hundred bodies remain missing today. 

Pastor Ong told me that 46 of those perished came from Philip Mantofa's church. He doesn't know why I was the one who received this warning or how I am spiritually tied to this tragedy but I ought to have prayed about over it. 

Speaking to Pastor made me wonder whether my praying would have made any difference but I am thinking there might have been a glimmer of hope because the dream did end positively, perhaps suggesting that there could have been an alternative ending.