Robbed of Joy

Why do I have to work harder than everyone else to get to the same place? Why, God? Why?

I often think of this one particular girl I knew from high school whenever I sulk about life. She's effortlessly popular. I stress the word because she can pull a grumpy face, which was pretty often, and there would still be people wanting to swarm her. She was privileged, glorious, smart and came from a close-knit family - all enviable points. 

Many years back, I showed my pastor a picture of her and I could see his hesitation in telling me what he saw. Of course he was just trying to be kind to my flagging self-esteem. I forced it out of him anyway. Avoiding my eye contact, he quickly made the statement that she glows with the "joy of the Lord". 

The joy of the Lord... Oh, how I have yearned it and even forced myself to find it within me. There were a few fleeting moments when I truly believed I had it. Those moments never lasted. Nor were they ever enough; never like hers. So, conclusion? I never had it. 

Last night, tired with having dealt with yet another of my life's dissatisfaction which consequently resulted in a big argument with my husband, I asked for prayer from Pastor Lee, a 68 year old Korean lady pastor who is known to be razor-sharp in hearing God. I told her of how I struggle with no joy in my heart - nothing is ever enough; nothing is ever good enough. (This was after having helped out in a Thai  retreat held in Church of True Light, where she was invited to speak.)

I was instructed to lay flat on the ground while she laid hands on my chest and stomach. Here's a summary of what she said:

1) unseen forces suppressing peace, thereby robbing me of God's joy

2) source of spiritual curse from parents/ancestors 

3) hardened/residing in stomach and thigh areas for an extremely long time 

4) this is stopping me from weeping and interceding 

5) the cause of my fears and anxieties, manifested in stiffness in legs and heart palpitations 

6) not many people are interceding on my behalf

With all the above, I was told I carry a great burden to cut off all ancestral curses; to make sure they end at me. Strategies to overcome this:

1) only the blood of Jesus can cut the curse

2) pray together with husband 

3) continually seek out prayer and deliverance 

4) catch them whenever they appear and cast them out each time (best to manifest the purging)

5) worship

6) pray, sing and read God's word with Abby (ensuring that it ends at my generation)

Mark has committed himself to praying with me. I may not tell him enough but he is my spiritual pillar of support. He never doubts, never questions, never stops trusting God. It's an amazing heritage he's received from his parents. And I want Abby to have that. 

I end today's post with a proclamation of God's promise from Exodus 20:6:

"But showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments."

Amen. 

Dreams about KYY and Zac During CNY Week

Jotting down two dreams I had during my CNY break (14-24 Feb 2015):

Dream 1:

Zachary Adrian running over a green plain and the earth opened up to swallow him whole three times. Each time I see him running without a care about the dangers around him. There was a short instance I saw him holding on to a small figurine, perhaps the source of these threats. 

I conveyed this to Adrian and he shared that Stella also had a similar dream where Zac was running with no showing of any specific emotion. As he ran pass a church, it collapsed and buried him, leaving only an outstretched hand from the rubbles. Stella who was behind him, survived the catastrophe. 

Dream 2:

I don't quite remember the details but I know it is about Yin Yee and suicide. 

My Second Promise

Having Abby has changed my life - I no longer get 10 hour sleeps and definitely no sleep ins. Naps are a luxury and date nights are a rarity. Meals are usually hurried and gone are the days meeting up with friends and what more holidays! 

But I would not change a thing. 

Abby is the joy and pride of my life. She tires me out but boy, does she make my life so much fuller! 

Sometimes I wonder whether I can love someone else as much as I love her and God stops me midway. Love doesn't have to be shared. You can love another person wholeheartedly as well. 

I believe and hold on firmly to the prophecies by Mary Chu and Jenn that my family will comprise of two children. And this prophecy will only be fulfilled with the arrival of a baby boy. Yup, it will be a boy next! 

Mark and I have been trying since June last year but no success yet. To be honest, I have uttered a few inner vows - that I am not ready for and I may not need a second child. Victoria, through God's revelation, called me out on this in December. I have of course proceeded to  ask God for forgiveness and repented. And God has graciously reminded me of His promise through a dream received before CNY. In the dream, I was pregnant and the baby within me was actively stretching. I even saw my hand holding his hand somehow. 

To be honest, there is still some trepidation over having to repeat the sleepless nights in the early months of motherhood and even the 100% of self-immersion into the development of the baby thereafter, I will have to put my trust that God's timing will be perfect and that He will enable me to become the best mother I can be to my second baby. 

My Big Little Girl

My daughter turned 16 months last week and is getting ready to attend playgroup in two months. Visiting various playschools last Tues has made me too acutely aware that she is growing up. 

Her dad, grandmother and myself have been the centre of her world so far but in a few months' time it would be opened up to... well, the world... 

I have been plagued with a whirlwind of emotions. For one, I am so irrationally fearful that the world would dilute her love for me. Secondly, never being popular in school, I worry that she may have to go through the same lonely path as I did. But at the same time, I am excited for her to start making her mark in this world.

I can only pray that God will bless her with abundant favour, that she will be secure in His and our love and that her spirit will never be dampened by people. 

This big little girl will always be my baby...

Prophetic Dream - AirAsia 8501

I had a dream about a plane stalling mid flight and eventually plummeting. 

I was a passenger myself in the plane. One minute everything was fine with people chit-chatting away and the next, the lights went out and the plane just stopped. Dead silence ensued. 

Within the next second or two, the plane plummeted - vertically downwards. I felt my heart trying to leap out of my throat; panic in my head knowing impending death was about to follow. 

But before I knew it, the plane came into contact with water. I knew because I felt the hard albeit cushioned landing and heard water splashing. I remember feeling relieved that my life was spared and that one could survive such a crash before waking up. 

I had this dream either on the 20th or 21st of Dec 2014. It was either dates because I had that dream while visiting my in-laws in KL for Christmas. 

I didn't tell anyone although the feeling of real fear and relief lingered; I just didn't think it was significant. But on 28th Dec, Mark announced that an AirAsia flight 8501 flying from Surabaya to Singapore had gone missing. I had thought it was a bad joke but unfortunately it wasn't. I didn't immediately link it with the dream I had either. 

162 passengers and crew members went missing, with the plane found only on 2nd Jan 2015. Over a hundred bodies remain missing today. 

Pastor Ong told me that 46 of those perished came from Philip Mantofa's church. He doesn't know why I was the one who received this warning or how I am spiritually tied to this tragedy but I ought to have prayed about over it. 

Speaking to Pastor made me wonder whether my praying would have made any difference but I am thinking there might have been a glimmer of hope because the dream did end positively, perhaps suggesting that there could have been an alternative ending. 

My Angelic Encounters Series (Part 1)

My First Angelic Encounter

My first angelic encounter was in a Holy Spirit-inspired dream. How did I know it was God-inspired? Because the content was something I hadn’t been exposed to yet at the time and because it was something grounded in the Word, it couldn’t have come from my soul.

It happened in 2003 when I was still in university and when I was still a baby Christian. Since it happened so long ago, details are a little fuzzy to me. So please bear with me; I will try to recall to the best of my ability.

In the dream, a slightly dark-skinned woman in a white full bodysuit appeared. She had me go through a few stages (maybe 2-3) of testing. I don’t remember the specifics of the first few tests but they definitely involved the supernatural. Although she never once uttered a single word, she was always within eyesight.

In my last testing, I can recall running away from dark forces. I shouted out for her to come help me but she just stood where she was, seemingly unmoved by my plea. I gave up soon after and began praying to God for help. As soon as I called out to God, she zoomed to my rescue.

I replayed this entire dream to my pastor who told me that the woman was an angel. I argued that she did nothing to help me, only to be told that angels don’t react to our demands or orders; they only respond solely to God’s voice and God’s will. Angels are God’s obedient miracle workers who perform God’s miracles for us all for the purpose of bringing God glory. So what happened was, God, upon hearing my prayer instructed the angel to come to my aid.

Having been a non-believer most of my life, I had the wrong impression (influenced by new-age beliefs) that as we worship angels, they respond to our requests. Calling out to the angel in the dream meant that I was completely relying on her to save me, and not God; I had taken God out of the picture! It was meant to teach me that I should only be reliant on God.

I think it was such a cool dream-lesson, don't you?!

My Job Insecurity... Made Calm

Many people have the misconception that a bank treasury is the place to be; it’s prestigious and money is good. You don’t know how I wish I had somewhere else to be. I suppose the grass is always greener on the other side, eh?

In the past five years, I have seen a number of colleagues getting the boot and heard of even more such cases outside my bank. These days, I’m hearing pays are getting cut. Whilst I am thankful to God I still have my job, I long so deeply to be doing something else.

My head of sales and I just came out from a dressing down by our treasurer. Not because we didn’t bring in money last year, in fact, it was a good year, but because we weren’t “visible” enough visiting clients. There is definitely an impending danger that our sales desk might be closed down by the end of the year. In the meanwhile, I have to bring my A-game and start shadowing corporate banking just in case I might need to be transferred.

My job is so specialised that it is difficult to find another line of work. I have tried looking out for other opportunities for the past four years but to no avail. It’s either I do not have the proper set of skills or they cannot match my required compensation package. Having a distinction in MBA from a good school couldn’t get me anywhere else either.

Middle management is really the worst place to be – you’re too senior to take a junior position and you’re too junior to take a senior position. Even if I am okay to take a pay cut or to start in a more junior position, no one dares to take up my offer. They think I’ll just make them a temporary stop in my career.

I was so demoralised after the talk. Every beginning of the year I get this talk; it’s a lot more intense in the past two years. That’s why I never like the new year. And I had already sensed this foreboding doom since last November.  

In the past, I would have hailed accusatory questions at God. “Why?”, “Why am I so unlucky in my career?”, “Do you not love me?” But today, I feel a sense of calm, that God is in charge of my life; that I can draw strength, strategy, favour and wisdom from Him; that He has my back.

My first reaction was to run to people for comfort and encouragement. My mind was so clouded with anxiety and frustration that I’d rather ask my fellow brothers and sisters to do the work of tuning in to what God has to say to me. But God reminded me of a testimony I had just read before being called into the room – this woman shared that when her son laid brain dead in the hospital, she ran to people for comfort rather than running to God and God had to remind her that Jesus is there for her. So, I did the only thing I knew best when communicating with God – I prophesied over myself, speaking God’s words over my situation.

In my own prophecy, I could feel that God shared in my sorrows but He reminded me that I am made of tough stuff, and that I am stronger and more talented than I think I am. He told me that He has blessed my hands with glory dust and because He has blessed them, whatever I do shall prosper. But I still have to put in that hard work. I do feel a sense of peace in the midst of the storm that I can still see. I feel like I am being engulfed by His calm by force. I say by force because in my natural self, I somehow like to dwell in negativity longer than necessary. So yes, I think God is forcing His peace on me and I am thankful for that.

All I can do now is pray that God will lead me through this situation; that His hand will be upon my career. If I am to leave this job, I pray that He will open up the correct doors for me but if I am to stay, I really pray for patience and favour. A lot of favour…..

May Your will be done, My Lord.